Parallel Parenting With A Narcissist
Co-parenting, in general, can be difficult, but there are special considerations when the other parent is a narcissist. In most cases, co-parenting is not practical and can be harmful to all involved. A better option is parallel parenting.
What is Parallel Parenting and Why It is Useful When The Other Parent Is A Narcissist
Parallel parenting allows each parent to have a meaningful relationship with the children, while completely disengaging with each other. While major issues such as education or medical may have to be decided jointly, the day to day decisions are left to the parent who has the child at the time. This diminishes unnecessary conflict between the parents.
Narcissists thrive off of confrontation and if you are trying to parent together things can get really ugly. By parallel parenting instead of co-parenting, you are minimizing your interactions with the narcissist and avoiding unnecessary conflict.
How To Make Parallel Parenting Work For You
Keep Everything In Writing
The narcissist loves to use gas lighting to twist reality into what works best for them. The best way to protect yourself is to have everything in writing. That includes:
- Having a written parenting plan or court order that explicitly lays out the details of custody and parenting time. The calendar should be in the order, and if practicable, the parties should use a shared calendar to track the children's events or any changes in schedule. Any modifications of the agreement should be in writing.
- Limit any communication with the narcissist to text or email so you always have proof of the communication.
- Keep all communication limited to the children with no discussions about your personal life. And avoid communicating through the children and using them as messengers.
Grey Rock
Be calm and non-emotional in any and all interactions with the narcissist parent. Your ex will try to get a rise out of you and that will have a negative impact on the kids. Grey rock is a strategy where you show no emotion, giving the narcissist nothing to feed on. While no contact works best, it's often impossible to have no contact at all when children are involved.
Limit Communication with the children while they are in your ex’s care and vice versa.
Narcissists often use communication with the children as a tool to manipulate and harass you. They call your phone to speak to the children and drama ensues or when you call to speak to the children it gives them an avenue to speak to and harass you. The best way to avoid this is to minimize this contact.
Agree on a set time every day that the child calls the parent that they are not with. This way, the opportunity for an altercation is minimized. If your children are old enough, it may be a good idea to get them a cell phone so you can communicate with them directly. It’ important to get all of this in a parenting plan or order so you have recourse if there are any violations.
Parenting with a narcissist is difficult, but with the right strategy, it does not have to be impossible. Need help parenting with your narcissist? Schedule a case strategy session with Joleena Louis Law today.
