How To Document A High Conflict Parent
Divorce is difficult but it can be even harder if you are divorcing a narcissist or other high conflict parent. It can seem overwhelming to get the evidence you need to show the Judge what things are really like, as opposed to the fairytale your ex tries to portray.
I work on many high conflict cases and assist many people who or divorcing or co-parenting with a high conflict parent or narcissist. Through my experience, I have learned the best ways to document what happens so you can use it as evidence at trial.
Develop a written parenting plan.
The first thing you want to do is get a parenting plan in place. A clearly written parenting plan will help you minimize contact with your ex and make it more difficult for them to manipulate the situation. Include details like a specific weekly schedule with start and end times, transportation, holidays, etc.
This is not something I recommend you do on your own as most people who have not had to share custody with a high conflict person before cannot think of all the possible situations they need to be prepared for. An attorney experienced in high conflict or narcissists divorce will be able to draft a parenting plan that addresses all the typical problems that arise.
Write it all down
Start keeping a journal where you can document your interactions with your ex. This includes all conversations, what happens at pick up or drop off, or any other events you may need to recount at trial. The most important thing to do is to note the date and exactly what happened. Write it down as it happens. This can be used to reveal patterns or refresh your memories in the event of a trial.
Document all Digital Evidence
Abusive text messages should be a screenshot or downloaded and given to your attorney. For text messages, it is important that the phone number (not the name) of the other party is visible. Be sure the date and time the message is sent and the entire conversation is included. It is also helpful to keep your phone bill so you can prove that a text message came to your phone from theirs on a certain date and time.
Take screenshots of multiple missed calls and keep your phone records to back that up as well.
If it is safe for you to do so, keep recordings of any arguments as well. For some extremely high conflict cases, I recommend recording all pickups and drop-offs.
Document Physical Abuse
If you are physically abused by your ex, immediately call the police. Get to the family court and request a temporary order of protection. See your doctor as soon as possible (even if you don’t see a visible injury) and take pictures of any physical injuries.
Be sure to get copies of any police reports and witness accounts of the incident. Get photos of any household or property damage caused by the abuser during the incident.
Store the Evidence Safely
If you are still living with the high conflict parent, it is essential you keep the evidence in a safe place. The safest place is with your attorney, but if you don’t have one yet, set up a new email address and dropbox account and upload everything there. Be sure to remove things from your phone as soon as possible.
Work with a lawyer experienced in dealing with high conflict or narcissist parents
Don’t attempt to navigate this custody battle on your own. Need help in New York? Schedule your Case Strategy Session.
