How To Win A Custody Case Against A Narcissist
Photo: Photo by Anete Lusina from Pexels
Many people come to me and ask what is the best way to win a custody case against a narcissist.
Custody cases are difficult and things can become more complicated when the other parent has narcissistic personality traits. While generally most parents truly want what is best for their children (even if that looks like something different to each of them), the narcissist often prioritizes their idea of winning over the needs of the children.
While it won’t be an easy road, there are some things you can do to be as successful as possible when facing a narcissist in a custody case.
Know What "Winning" Means To You And Your Child
First and foremost, you need to decide what “winning” looks like for you. Unlike the narcissistic parent, you want to make sure you are truly thinking about what is best for your children. And unless there is abuse involved, it is usually best for the children to have a relationship with BOTH parents.
Think about what needs to happen for your children to live their best life and maintain a relationship with both parents in the safest way possible.
For example, given the inability to co-parent, it may be best for you to be the parent to make major decisions regarding the children. Or maybe the children going to a specific school. Or whatever your top priority is.
Make a list of the things that are most important to you and your kids. Be realistic and differentiate between must have’s and things that would be nice to have.
The key to defeating a narcissist is to let them think they won. Concede on an issue they believe is a big deal for you but that is not one of your true “must-haves.”
Document, Document, Document
If there is only one thing you can do to be successful against a narcissist or high conflict parent it is to document everything. As you know, narcissists will gaslight you, their attorney, and the court and completely make up their own false narrative as to what occurred. The absolute best way to protect yourself is to document reality.
Some of the ways to document
Keep all communications in writing. If you have to have a phone conversation, record it. Use an appl like Our Family Wizard or Cozi when possible. Save all texts, emails, communications.
If the children are not old enough to go from car to house (or vice versa) alone, either have a witness, do the exchange in a public place, or record the exchange. Don’t make it uncomfortable for the kids, but having something like a Ring doorbell camera can be helpful.
Keep a log of all missed violations, missed visits, or late pickup or drop-offs. The court is more likely to find your allegations credible if you can note specific dates and times of each incident.
Be Realistic
One of the more difficult things for people who are divorcing to grasps is being realistic. It is true that you are angry and it feels unfair that this person who has done all of these terrible things to you can still feel like they are getting so much. I often find people are outraged that their spouse can even see the children at all.
The reality is if your spouse is not physically harming your children and does not put them in demonstrable danger, they will have the right to have a relationship and have parental access to the children. Focusing on how to make this access as safe as possible for your children is better than trying to prevent the access entirely as, in most cases, you will not be successful.
Divorce will always be difficult and no one will get everything they want. Having realistic expectations about your possible outcomes will help you make better decisions in the case.
Get Support
This is not going to be an easy battle and in order to be in the best position for success you have to be in a good frame of mind and that can only be achieved with a solid support system. The narcissist will try to wear you down. They will try to make you look like the villain and they the victim. They will absolutely try to get you to give up. Having sufficient support will keep you going.
Your support system should start with a good therapist. You have to be the strongest you to get through this. Next an attorney who has experience working on cases involving narcissists. The right attorney will know how to counter all the tricks and deceptions the narc is going to pull. Lastly, friends and family who can be there for you emotionally and possibly financially to help you through this.
A court battle with a narcissist is difficult but not impossible to win with the right tools. Ready to get started on your case? Schedule your Case Strategy Session.
